For Rose.

You want personal, here goes. For the past few weeks I have been sitting in my own cold bath of depression. I am broke. Broke by both mistakes, and booze, emotionally and financially. Today was kind of a topper to these past few days. I have a great support system in my family and friends, and to them, I thank you all. Today or rather tonight as I sat in my room all ready to be a mopey fuck I had a really warm thought that turned my cold piss and vinegar blood, it to something warm and fuzzy.

Tonight I was down and drained, I planned on going home after work to listen to metallica and Stu. As I departed a cranky Ryborg, he said one thing to me, "don't go home and listen to metallica go home and listen to anthrax." So I got home, opened up my brownie that Dancing Tony gave me and put on Anthrax's persistence of time...Anthrax, anthrax has had art commissioned by Alex Ross, Alex Ross did Marvels. Yeah I was going to read "Marvels" recapture my youth, think of "the one" who gave me the hard cover edition I was holding in my hands, and hide in thoughts of my youth.

While I did this, I thought how my day kinda sucked. went to work to pack up a bag like it was my first day, gone are the days of going into the office and spending the day, collecting hours. Then I went home and called "A" to maybe have a dirty conversation. "A" had taken enough of my shit, and read this here blog, and was waiting to strike. You see I have been a dick to "A". All she wanted was to feel good, she wanted me to make her feel good, and no get your mind out of the gutters. But I'm not ready to make anyone feel "good". Anyway, I was stupid and forgot something she planned, and instead I did something else, with someone else, then played sick, then blogged about what I did that day. I lied to her face, yet told the truth here.

She was pissed, I'm sorry. She called me "puke". at the time I thought it was funny, but I thought about it and it stung. day goes on. Later in the night I went to the Babyhole to do my stand-up. Some shitty band played, but I guess they have something cause all the kids came out to watch them stink even "rich girl" (rich girl is a tiny girl who hangs out in the D.T., has an amazing apartment and from what I "hear" lives off mommy and daddy) who even though she broke her foot, still made it out. Now was time for the stand up part of the night. The crowd was a bit intoxicated do to the fact that "the Suck band" did not get on stage till 9:40, and stopped sucking after what seemed like forever for me. Enough to make almost everyone Buzzed or drunk or other wise.

I watched the first two guys suffer a hard crowd. then it was me. Tough crowd, but I can handle it. At some point during my set "rich Girl" took the time to stand up, with her broken foot...look me right in my eyes and said "you suck!" I suck. she came out to see "the suck band" but in her mind I "sucked". It hurt, I made a joke, sort of at her expense. people laughed. I then took my leave of the babyhole and went out to do the job, I was hanging out with "O" he has a lot on his mind, He had made a pretty big mistake in his life recently, but that's his bed to sleep in. I tried to help him out, but all I kept seeing in my minds eye was "my mistakes" "the One" and "you suck". Something inside me told me I should not get that messed up. One more beer pay the lady and go home. I was at the Lamppost with Ryan, his Lady friend, and O.

As Ryborg, his Lady friend, and I walked back to the corner, he was all cranky and being the drama king he can be. I had enough I said "Fuck you dude you had a bad day, so did I, and you know what, you are going home with a pretty girl." then it him me I was with a pretty girl also today. Her name is Rose and I have first saw her when I went to the apartment to get my Keys, for the first time. she was on the arm of my roommate.

Rose is an older lady, and as I emerged from my apartment with the sun high in the sky, I saw her walking down the street. She had some bags so I asked her if I could help her, she said "sure and thank you" I took her bag of garbage and she took my arm and we started to walk. She asked where I lived, I told her right here. She then asked if I was Married, "NO" was my reply, she in turn said "I lost my husband , he was 58 years old, Massive heart attack." She continued as we slowly walked up the street. Rose uses a cane to walk "Not at home or in the Office, just on this hard concrete." She also said that she stepped on a nail earlier (in the day, in life?) She went on about her husbands death. "it was supposed to be something small but when the doctors where taking care of him he had the heart attack, and passed." It was three days before her birthday, and she had been in a mass for her parents, who had passed away. Now that's a bad day. as we walked we talked a little about me and my job. I told her "I work at night" she asked even Friday nights. I said "sometimes."

we got to her door and she said "oh no Fridays, are when I watch 'wrasslin'" This Girl loves her 'wrasslin' (no I'm not making fun of her in anyway, that is how she said it.) She told me how her "girlfriend dates a guy who knows Baptista" and How her friend got word to Baptista (a wrestler for the WWE) that her girlfriend meaning Rose, was a huge fan. Her face was completely glowing, as she said "He said that next time they are going to come to town he is gonna come get me, In his car."

She turned to me and asked "what was your name?" I told her my name and she mistakes it for Rob, I corrected her with a smile in my voice. She then responded "I'm Rose, nice to meet you, I will see you soon, I work in the office over here on Saturday stop by" I said "will do, Rose" she turned to her door and was about to walk in when she turned to say to me "your such a nice boy"

So as I sat there last night typing those last words tears running down my face, not tears of sorrow but of hope for my own self. My computer crashed. I guess I need one more thing to go wrong. Most of this was lost but as I drifted to sleep, I chanted remember the words, remember what you typed. I think I did. No matter how much people can be mean to you, sometimes all it takes is one person who had lived a long and full life, filled with some awful days but they can always look to the good. All you need is someone like that to say your nice, and you have nothing to worry about. so next time your having a bad day think about something nice someone said about you, cause some days that's all that matters. Karma does work.

Oh and one more thing...

FUCK YOU, FUCK YOU, FUCK YOU...you'r cool...BUT OTHER WISE, GO FUCK YOURSELF.

A Public Fuckin' Service Announcement.

If what I write on here offends you, Don't read it.-so if I was you I would stop reading this now-
If what I write on here makes you Fuckin' uncomfortable, Don't Fuckin' read it.
I know what the fuck I wrote I do not fuckin need you to rehash it back to me.
You can not fuckin' use My own fuckin words against me.
It's that fuckin simple. I don't need anyone to Fuckin' tell me what I should or fuckin' should not write here on my own Fuckin' blog. I write what I know and what I Fuckin' know is the fuckin' truth. From my warped Fuckin' Mind to the keyboard. If you don't Fuckin' like it, Fuck you. Sorry then it's not for you.I think the have a fuckin' blog spot all about fuckin Hanna Montana, fuckin go and fuckin' read that shit. Geezus. O.k. people it that fuckin simple. Like T.V. and radio it's common fuckin sense, You don't like it Turn the fuckin Channel, turn the fuckin Dial or hit the fuckin Back button.
Silly fuckin Bitches.

a hot dog

Really, who throws a hot dog? That's a sin in my book.
Sweet Pea thanks for the bulletin, I will sleep so much better tonight.

Last Day of the Month, My lost weekend.

(The giant rib)

Lets start this off with fuck me. Yeah I had quite the weekend, holy crap. Friday i get paid and looking at it and realizing i had to pay rent this week I realized, I'm broke. What the Fuck. So I figure I'll work, So that's what I do. I meet up with Omar, Mikey and Elise over at Lucky 7's had a drink and then I walked on my way leaving Mikey and Omar with Elise. As the night progressed I ran into my friends and neighbors. Workin on a Friday ain't all that bad, Granted it still stinks that you can not really do what ever you want but such is life. after the night went on I ended up hanging with RyBorg and his new "lady Friend" we went to his place but I was kinda tired and a bit drunk.
Saturday was Laundry day over at the rents house. R & M went to AC so it was gonna be a nice peaceful day with no distractions. Then I found My newest obsessions...People I talk about http://www.hulu.com/ WOW it's filled with T.V.'s shows and Movies. I watched 6 episodes of "The Tick" and not the Cartoon the short lived and brilliant live action version. After I came down from my T.V. High I had to pick up Courtney cause it was soon time for Rollie's Surprise Birthday! Ahhh good times we all loaded into Skinners Loft, the look on Rollie's face was priceless. After some drinks and food we walked up to Pop's to continue the festivities. All was good till "panda Vest" showed up. From what I gather "Panda Vest" is the brother to one of the guys who has stake in Pop Merrigans. The only thing is he is 20 and does not have a bar card so Ryborg got a bit more then pissed. Ryborg is very protective of pop's I guess we all are. So Panda vest and his boys take it outside and Ryan is yelling on the phone about how this kid could get the place in a lot of trouble. It's very tense so I walk into the bar and grab a few of the Super Regulars and we go out to get Ryborgs back if any "shit" would go down. It seems cooler heads have prevailed things broke up and it was the go home time.
Sunday and I have one hell of a hangover from the frivolity of the night before. Sweet pea is texting me. Something about Lamp Post and her working. Ehh I ain't got nothing better to do. And honestly a day at the bar with a Hot chick is not the worst day. Go over there she asks if I want a bloody Mary. NO, Not for me but I do come up with a good hang over cure and rapid accelerator to drunkenness. A Bloody RS3. You take a pint of PBR, add a shot of whiskey, and some Tabasco, and you have a Bloody RS3. Drank a few of those looked at some Tattoo mags, ate a delicious Samwich and decided it was time for a tattoo. Walk over to the Jersey City Tattoo Co. and Jessy and Billy was working but really just watching Deuce Bigelo: European Gigolo. I went and got us a tall boy we drank, and laughed and then I went home. Then I get a text from Cherry Coke. You See we have been having a Blog war and it was getting ugly. We Talked it was good. we made a truce and then I was ready to hang out with LuLu and watch dinner for five. I was all about it. LuLu being LuLu Flaked. Now what?
Oh I know I'll go to the Lamp Post for some more beer (I need this like a hole in my liver. But that's what I do. Brooks id pouring Drinks, Chuck was Manning the 1's and 2's and I sat there with Di working on her Stand-up Routine. it was getting late and we all had the hunger. Di and I went to the chicken spot for a bucklet of chicken and a rib.
Yes a Bucklet surprise to anyone but the good folks at the Chicken spot...not the greatest spellers (like I can talk) Brooks brought up the Rib is huge so we had to see if for our selves.
Good People this fuckin' Rib was huge. I said to Di, "I can use this as a weapon. we went back to the bar ate out Bucklet O' Chicken and it was then closing time. Sweet Pea and her pal Freddy showed up looking for an after party. Me I was going home. and that's what I did. Went home and slept.
Today I worked a bit, tonight I'll work. and that's it for me, Do not forget to Dispose of all needle properly.
BTW the Rib Pic will soon follow good readers.

Truce

so I have been commenting on Cherries blog, i gave her a challenge to blog more as an anonymous person, she knew it was me being that her blog is pretty private. she texted me to tell me she commented on my blog. I called her. we talked, for a long while realizing that I'm the same asshole as she is but she is more honest than I, when it comes to blogging. She called me out. The truth is when you have a Very public blog, it can hurt people. I have learned this. so tonight after a good long talk we made a Truce. And so it is. The backend of forever, Cherry.
good night this is what she had to say she is more eloquent than I.



sometimes
its just not worth it.
the pain
the tears
he fighting.sometimes....
you just need to call
a truce.

Evan Sweeney II

when I was a kid growing up in the heights, i did not have a lot of neighborhood friends. Believe it or not I was shy. I got over it and one day met the Twins. Two beautiful girls who would sort of shape the way I act around other girls. Not Identical twins, but the other. Blue Eyes, Dark hair. They where both a bit evil but in different ways. one would Kill you with kindness, the other was a bitch, and at like 10 she knew it. They where my age, Christ they might be married by now. Anyway, they had a younger Brother. Evan. He was your typical kid, always getting into trouble. Always making my "job" hard. My "Job" being keeping him out of trouble. But he was a good kid. The Sweeney kids where always on the Honor roll, where as I was never. We looked out for one another.
The Twins, Evan and I always hung out. We made our own fun, Yes we produced our own Halloween Play for the people in the neighborhood. We had a club house made up of Pallets. We even recorded radio plays. I had the biggest crush on the "nice" one. Yet in retrospect, I think the mean one liked me. Evan had mischief on his mind always. They came from a broken home, They lived with their mentally unstable mom. their house was always a mess, so shit you could do what ever you wanted. I broke a glass in their basement once and it never got picked up. For me this was great I came from such a clean house, My mom always keeping things in order, my first taste of anarchy.
We had so many good times, we grew into our teens, they moved to their Dad's house in Jackson. I missed them but I had other friends, so it was cool. Evans relationship with his father was never good. His dad walked out on his mom when Evan was but an infant. So the Move to his dads house really affected him. he would eventually move back with his mom on his own request.
when he came back we where both in High School, so we did not really hang much. At this point His mother was worst then ever. Losing her kids for those years made her worst. Evan would climb the wall of my house and knock on my window. we would listen to Suicidal Tendencies and smoke Marlboro menthol's.
As time passed I would see Evan in the neighborhood, but he had new friends as well did I. Evan got into Hard drugs. and so did his mother, I guess when your son is on junk and you have no other way of reaching out to him might as well join him in his down fall. One Day Evan came home from what ever job he was working to find his mother in bed with one of his friends.
Evan made a call to me, But I think I was busy being an asshole.
sometime after that, Evan killed Himself. I am sorry Evan. To this Day I always think about him. Life was was way unfair to that kid. But I guess he will never really be gone, cause I still think of him. On the day of his wake as My parents and I got ready, I felt the need to write something that he would like. I hand wrote the lyrics to a Suicidal Tendencies song and at the very end wrote, you where never alone.
Alone-
I scream at the sky, it's easier than crying I'm shyest when I'm shouting out loud, I feel so alone in a room full of people. I'm loneliest when I'm in a crowd, I'm alone, and nobody hears me Can't nobody heal me, won't nobody help me I'm alone, I just need Someone to take my hand and pick me up when I'm feeling down Someone to take my heart and give it a home Someone to help me through the times when I'm down and lonely Someone to be with me when I'm alone I'm alone, all alone Alone is the way I live, it's not the way I want it but you know You can't give in, alone is the way I feel, it's so hard to understand Why I've got to be alone [ Chorus: ] If you took a look at my heart you'd see it I'm trying to be something better If you look at my heart you'd feel it I've got to keep moving on If you look in my heart you'd know it I'm just trying to make my world better If you look in my heart you'd see it I got to do it alone I've been down, I've been down I've been down, down, down so low I've been lost, so lost with no place left to go I've had emotions, emotions that you better hope you never know Sometimes it feels like I just can't take no more [ Chorus ] Seems like things just keep getting further out of hand Why can't for once things go as I plan How dare you, how dare you tell me that you understand Let me tell you straight out, there ain't nobody here that can I'm all alone, I'm so alone, to be alone, just leave me alone If you look in my heart, you'll see it If you look in my heart, you'd feel it If you look in my heart you'd know it I'm not trying to make no one bitter I'm just alone, leave me alone, alone, alone, now leave me I've lived in places that you wouldn't never ever want to be Places where for a minute you couldn't ever stand to be I've seen things, I've seen things you'd never want to see So what gives, what gives you the right to be the judge of me I'm all alone, I'm so alone, to be alone, just leave me alone A room full of people, can't nobody hear me, can't nobody help me, I'm alone I just need someone to take my hand and pick me up when I'm feeling down, when I"m down Someone to take my heart and give it a home, when I'm down Someone to be with me and help me through the times I'm down and lonely, when I'm down Someone to be with me when I'm alone I'm alone, all alone Alone is the way I live, it's not the way I want it, but I Know I can't give in Alone is the way I feel, there ain't nothing quite as sad as a person that's alone
Evan Sweeney, I am proud to say I was his friend. Love you Kid.