When did girls go from a little crazy to Bat shit fuckin insane? when did this happen, and why did I not get the Memo. Now you see my Friends this is a cautionary tale from me to all of you. Right before the new year, I did what some guys may do when finds himself newly single and was looking for a good time. I went to Craigslist, I mean you can get anything from CL from a couch that looks like a vagina to baby clothes, oh and the have singles ads. So one night I'm looking around and I find something right down my alley. "friend (most importantly) with benefits (added bonus) - 31." well shit who does not want a fuckin friend with benefits..pardon the pun. So I respond she was looking for a dorky, bearded, sarcastic/funny guy who like to drink and like to go to a live show. I said "face it tiger you hit the jackpot". I contacted her we talked for a bit and this girl was really chomping at the bit to meet up and hang out.
So I head into Brooklyn to meet up with her to drop off guitar hero (I brought the game so we could play.) and the plan was to hit the city so she could get something for an earring on St. Marks Place, and the we would get some drinks. when I got there she meet up with me and she was already tipsy from downing a few Tequila's and 7-up, whatever. we hit the subway, and ya know what she was really nice. We get to St.Marks do what she has to do then we hit up the grass roots tavern and start with the drinking. I was my bad to be drinking on an empty stomach but whatever. after a few Pints we start walking back to the subway so we can go back to her place. the whole time we are holding hands and kissing it was nice. But while at Grass roots she laid some bombs on me man, really took me for a loop. The Kind of things I would not tell a person I just really met. Like she has an 11 year old Daughter, but her daughter thinks she is her sister and her grandmother is her mother, and they plan on telling the kid the truth when she get older. That kids not gonna freak out or nothing when this a-bomb lands in her lap....that's kinda fucked, am I wrong here? oh yeah and she also told me she is slightly Bi-polar...But really everyone has something I have Rage Issues ( I mean I am writing this but don't judge me yet good people this bitch has this and everything else that will come to her.)
she could have told me she was Dr. Doom she had a nice rack and kissed pretty well, and I knew I was gonna get some. Back to the tale, we walk toward the subway when we see a bar that runs a 5 shots $5 dollars..anything you want...fuck lets go there. Mistake. After the few pints and the empty gut throwing down 3 shots of jeger one after another is not so smart. On the subway is where it fuckin hit me all at once I was now loaded.
we get back to her place have a smoke play the game a little but there was something I wanted to play with more then a toy guitar. we go in to her bedroom she puts on Guns and roses appetite for destruction and we start.
You May want to Jump ahead....past the italics. she looked good naked but she had some serious meat curtains...she was not lying about that kid. This was roast beef sandwich territory...this is something I've never seen in real life. all the girls I have been with had how do I put this, more like a nice hamburger not a sloppy Joe. anyway she was also a squirter which is something I have only seen on the interwebs, so this was new and fun. (think chicken broth..kinda salty.) Now this is the part of I'm not too proud of Given the booze I had a problem with my wedding tackle...I had jager dick folks, hey it happens. anyway we go to sleep next morning i am unceremoniously asked to leave..that's fine whatever.
O.k. no more gory details, go home get some sleep. and then wake up to see that she is no longer on my myspace. She unfriended me...who does that? No phone call no return text. All I can think was maybe I did something stupid while sleeping, I don't know. New years comes and goes and 2 to 3 days later I get a text that says I'm sorry don't hate me, I was confused. so I call her up and I'm like what the fuck. Her answer and remember this good people...During that night somewhere I think I started to catch feeling for you, and it scarred me away. O.K. but be more mature about it. Not I think I like him lets disappear.
So I decide to make her come into jersey and give it another chance. I had a party to go to with all my oldest and dearest friends down in wood bridge lets give her something interesting to do. The plan was go to party. take her home and sleep over. we get to the party we have some drinks eat some amazing food. have some laughs. we stole kisses in the basement and in the rain (gay).
she seemed to talk a little with everyone good times.
On the way back to Brooklyn she pops this on me. Have you ever been in a 3-some? Hello! I tell her no, which she follows with this....ready sitting down. Oh they are fun, we should have one...do you think your friend Dan would like to join us in bed? Maybe I'm old fashioned but you do not ask a guy can we fuck your Friend! you don't. Do you folks? I really wanted to leave her at the rest area on the turnpike...but I don't cause I'm mature (not really) but I'm not a total asshole!
at this point she is all hands with me in the car but I was super pissed off. I drop her off in Brooklyn and head home. The whole ride home all I could think was, what kinda back alley Gutter whore did I pick up here? I just trusted you to come to my friends house, It's like Frank Sinatra said you"you're on this date with me..." and you want to be a total cum dumpster. ahh nah nah! I more or less told her the next night to fuck off. I can't be friends with a girl with no self worth...some things are not spoken. Oh and please don't give me that post feminist bullshit, she is a woman and she is exploring her sexuality...no she wanted to be filled out like a fuckin job application.
On the following Monday she text's me saying she plans on friending Dan Via Myspace...and that when it hits me. Holy shit, I know what Dan's gonna do...reject her because Dan is a gentleman. I have a heated conversation with her and after a bit we end it. After a few days I engage in texting with her, why cause my dick demanded it that why, people I am a weak man. I made peace with the whole thing in my head it was all good. We start texting and all is good, she sent me one text that burned into my brain like a cow brand, it had to do with her getting batteries for a device, her ass, her self fucking said ass and also giving herself finger pleasure...oh and she hoped I was sleeping well..that's always nice. So I text her later in the day seeing if she was free cause again...my dick demanded it. she said she wants to keep her distance, she does not think she will ever hang out with me. I tell her to fuck off. I said some mean shit to her as we wrote to each other in the wee hours of that Thursday morning. then over at her Blog site she puts up blog called pussy all about me. The thing that hurt me most folks, is that in that she has the balls to call me...a mediocre dude. what a Super Cunty Twat..really! anyway, cherry I will use you in my comedy. cause like I said, you are like an open can of cherry coke sitting in the middle of the sidewalk of New york City on a hot summer day, you know you should not drink it, yet I was somehow compelled to. Fuck you.